M.I-Am-I. DREAMING?

No, Florida Is Not About To Foment A Zombie Apocalypse

kingjaffejoffer:

nohalfwaycrooks:

andyhutchins:

Motherfuckers act like Florida just got weird. No, Florida’s been this weird, and Florida isn’t the only weird place, and Florida’s weirdness still doesn’t approach the level of weird needed for a zombie apocalypse. Let’s try giving a little context to this list of links.

5/16: McArthur High School HazMat Situation Students, Teachers Decontaminated After Breaking Out In Rash

A follow-up in the Miami Herald reveals that the case is still a mystery, but also contains these paragraphs:

While there have been no links between the two cases, the unknown is keeping Broward officials on its toes. There have been other cases of unexplained rashes in U.S. schools in the past few years, but the timing of these two incidents raises questions.

“I’ve been here for 12 years and I don’t recall anything like this happening — two incidents in such a short time period,’’ said Broward School District spokeswoman Marsy Smith.

5/19: No confirmation on chemical at Fort Lauderdale International Airport

Air samples came back inconclusive.

5/21: Police: Man bites woman in Westchester

This is from Illinois, not Florida.

5/23: I-285 reopens after hazmat incident

This is from Georgia, not Florida; the link in the original post is to the same link as the first 5/25 link.

5/23: Man Bites Cousin’s Nose Off

This is from California, not Florida.

5/24: Second Broward school reports mystery rash

Original South Florida Sun-Sentinel story provides a lot more context, also mentions more national cases of inexplicable rashes.

5/25: Hazmat Called After Kids Exposed To Pesticide On Bus: Hazmat, EMS Respond To Lake County, FL School

“Kids Exposed To Pesticide On Bus” could probably be “Idiot Bus Driver Uses Pesticide To Clean Up Vomit.”

Witnesses said, the household pesticide Malathion, was used by the bus driver to clean up an area on the school bus where a student had previously been sick.

5/25: ‘Disoriented’ passenger subdued on flight in Miami

Probably defeats the point to acknowledge that it was a Canadian man on a flight from Jamaica to Miami, right?

5/26: Naked Man Allegedly Eating Victim’s Face Shot And Killed By Miami Police

This is obviously the doozy, but the Herald has a follow-up that suggests that the victim was homeless and that the naked man may have been suffering from cocaine psychosis. Do you think there isn’t cocaine or homelessness outside Florida?

5/26: Florida Doctor Spits Blood at Highway Patrolmen After DUI Arrest

Zachary Bird is indeed a licensed doctor … whose car had unidentified pills, an unidentified liquid, and $14,000 in it, and who had $40,000 on him. And while spitting blood in someone’s face isn’t exactly normal behavior for someone who has no drug problem and is not inebriated, it happened in Ohio on May 17 and in Pennsylvania on May 19 … with an HIV-positive spitter.

Never mind that this post comes from a “Rick Santorum-themed comedy blog,” which, no, or that other dipshits are taking the recent spate of things as evidence of a zombie outbreak: Fatal stupidity is endemic to Florida alone, right, and we should worry about it most in terms of a zombie outbreak and not the continued disenfranchisement of Florida voters.

Meanwhile, journalism dies everywhere.

Thank God for Andy, everything I’m too lazy to type.

A rare post displaying logic on Tumblr. I’ll screencap this for historical purposes.